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I Just Can't Even

Written by Harperpotomus
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I literally don't even know right now. I am so immensely different from what I used to be a year ago. Like if I were to tell Junior year Harper what I'm like now, I would've thought I was crazy. I let go of my dreams of an ivy league school and have settled on a Midwest state school; something I absolutely swore up and down that I would never do. I feel so disconnected from the high school experience right now it's unbelievable. I look at the freshmen this year and can't even fathom that I used to be them such a short time ago. When I read my old posts about my goals and becoming healthy I feel like a pile of lard because I achieved none of them. Why do I fail so often?


But then I think about my success. I feel so proud that I am a different person, even though many people judge me for it. I'm happier than I have ever been and I'm content with my life choices. Sometimes you just feel like you're growing so much as a person in such a short amount of time that it's hard to keep up with it. No matter what, it'll turn out how it is supposed to.



Perfect Date

Written by Harperpotomus
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So recently one of my best friends has asked me what my perfect date would be. While I've been meaning to blog about things like this for a while, she finally gave be the shove to do it (thanks bb)

Dear future boyfriend,

You should really know what the 17 year old me would want from you. I would want you to take me on an all day date. We would start at 9 am because I'm more or less a morning person (except in the summer when I get on the schedule of a vampire) and I wouldn't want to waste a minute of this day. First things first, we would cook breakfast for ourselves. Deep down I want to be a homemaker of a woman and playing house is basically my dream date, but we'll keep it to a minimum for your sake. While my cooking abilities are limited, hopefully you can keep me from burning the house down. After we make pancakes, we would fry up some bacon (really you would because I'm afraid of grease popping up at me) and then serve breakfast to my parents as well as ourselves. After breakfast we would perhaps watch a bit of the morning news because there's no way I wouldn't eat far too much food. Next, we would pack a picnic to take on our little adventure of a day. I would want you to take me out on the lake on this day. Hopefully I've found myself an outdoors-man but that's not likely since I'm more of an inside kind of gal. If you don't have a boat, going to the beach will do just fine. I don't find fishing to be that enthralling so it would be fine if you left that part out. On the beach, I would want to play. Like joking around, laughing, pushing each other into the water, etc. If you're my boyfriend, you know what I mean by playing. You would bring speakers and we'd play our collaborative playlist for the season. After we picnic, I think we would go for a walk because that's a nice reason to hold hands and enjoy each others' presence. Then we would pack up and get in your car to go for a nice long ride. I like to go out in the backwoods and smell the fresh air and feel the way Wisconsin feels. I don't care how old I am or how long I've been living in Wisconsin at that time, it will never get old to me. At the end of the drive, I want you to drop me off at home for approximately 2 hours. After being awake and excited all day, lord knows I need a nap. When you pick me up again, I'd be wearing a dress and you'd look nice too. Don't forget to tell me I'm beautiful because I've never been called beautiful by a guy before .We would go to a nice supper club for dinner and split a big steak with me because I don't like the potato that comes with it but I love beef. After dinner, I would want you to bring me back out away from the city (but still in a safe area because being out in the dark without cell phone service scares me). If you have a truck, bring blankets and a TON of pillows so we could cuddle under the stars. If you don't have a truck, bring more blankets and more pillows so we could lay on the beach by the lake again and just chill for a while. Cuddle me like you've never cuddled anyone before. I would want to feel so close to you. I would want to feel the way you breathe, the way your hands fit around mine, the patterns on your palms, everything. Talk to me about everything. Tell me you love me that night.

Love,

Your future girlfriend



June Goals

Written by Harperpotomus
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So I've been quite slacking on the whole health thing. A lot of my thoughts about health lately are centered around the fact that if I'm not healthy now, will I ever be? The elderly people in nursing homes that are still walking are always the ones who kept moving throughout their lives. I want to establish habits before I go off to college in 2015. I'm going to start with the month of June. While I will be home in Wisconsin, I will have extra time and no stress which makes it the perfect time to start. Here's my list of June goals:

  • Work out every single day
    • Could be a 1 hour walk, 45 minutes of workout videos, a 30+ minute run
    • Do couch to 5K
  • Eat healthily as often as possible
    • This is super hard to do when I'm home because there's so many restaurants I love to have when I'm home
    • If I eat a bad meal, I have to burn the entire meal calorie content by the end of the week on top of my usual workout routine
  • Don't lose too much sleep!!!
    • This one is super important for me because when I'm tired, I'm cranky. If I'm home, 10 pm is my bedtime and I'll get up at 6 to send off Granny and Grapa
  • Enjoy myself
    • I need balance in my life. My time at home is my favorite time of the whole year an and I need to make use of it
  • Remember my time at home
    • I hope to blog a ton more. I love reading my old writing after events and remembering all of the little details
If you know me, hold me to these! 



The "S" Word

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Skinny


People always say that they want to get "skinny" for the summer and bikini season. Being "skinny" seems to be the magical key to happiness nowadays and its really getting on my nerves. For one thing, skinniness does not equal healthiness and happiness. Not everyone is built to be a twig. I know that I will never be a size 0 simply because for my body it's not physically possible. Here in California I have felt the most pressure I've ever felt to be skinny because there's such a focus on superficial beauty. I went prom dress shopping at a formal boutique and there were at least 4 racks of size 0 and only 1 rack of my size dresses which are size 8. The girls in there were judging each other like I've never seen before and I couldn't believe how intense the atmosphere was. 

I personally do not value another person's weight and I choose not to put much value in my own weight. Being "skinny" has never been something that I have strived for but recently it seems like, in order to be pretty and be deemed acceptable by guys, I have to shed pound after pound until I'm that perfect "S" word.

No more.


I was at my physical therapist's office the other day and as she was working my spine back into its normal position, we were discussing how women always want to be thinner, and how that thinner = prettier. She brought to my attention, that boys really don't look for a girl who is a twig. When girls choose to become "skinnier", all they are really doing that for is other girls. I'm choosing to apply that concept in my life.

So unless I'm becoming healthier for myself, I will not try to become skinny. Being 5' 3" and 110 pounds won't do anything for me but make me miserable trying to get to that weight. Instead, I will make better choices for myself and be the weight that I am happiest and healthiest at. 



Love Yourself First

Written by Harperpotomus
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We all know the saying "You must love yourself before you can love another" or some version of the same meaning. The trouble comes when you think you love yourself just fine but yet you still don't feel like you can be in love with another person. I don't know what I can do to put myself in the right position to be able to love someone. I was talking to my friend Olivia (lingeringfingertips.blogspot.com) and we said that we should spend time this summer learning to love ourselves which I am excited for. I guess I just don't know where I should focus on this subject. I feel pretty comfortable with myself and I don't know what kinds of steps I'm supposed to take to love myself even more. Maybe I have my motive wrong. I shouldn't want to love myself more because I want to be able to love someone else, I should do it for myself. But isn't it doing it for myself if I want to make myself ready to give love? 

 Feel free to tell me what you think on the subject. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this. 



Looking for Love?

Written by Harperpotomus
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17 and a Hopeless Romantic


I've always been the sort of girl who's always looking for a relationship but nothing has ever fallen into place for me. I've gotten close but circumstances like moving have been in the way. I always tell myself that it'll happen when it's meant to be, but its hard not to become impatient. Sometimes I come to weird revelations as to why I'm single or why right now isn't the time for me to be in love. I often tell my friends that I'm afraid to fall in love, which is true to some extent. I know that as a person, I'm not in a place where I'm content enough with myself and my situation to fall in love.

Weird Californian Ways


I have a hard time with the way that people in California go about dating. I'm a true Midwestern girl where boys and girls text each other, even if they're not romantically involved. Boys and girls are friends and hang out with each other without it being awkward. People like to become really good friends before they date. In California, all of those statements are basically reversed. Boys and girls do not text unless they're dating really. The only friend group in my school that hangs out coed is the popular crowd, and my "middle class" friend group only has the boyfriends of girls in it. The thing that I find to be the worst is that people don't become friends before they date. One of my friends here barely knew the guy before they started officially dating and their first few months were basically spent in the awkward stage of forcing the relationship. 

Deep down, I know that I'm not meant for Californian boys, and that just makes me feel like I'm even further away from finding love. Its frustrating to be put in a situation where you know there's no hope for finding what you're wishing for. 

Why love? Why now?


I know that I'm blessed to have so much love from within my family. I'm so close with my parents and grandparents that in theory I shouldn't have any void to fill by finding this romantic love. For some reason, I feel like love is a part of me that's not completely full.

I know I have the capacity to love someone with my whole heart. I was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians (what a surprise lol) and it was season 2 where Rob and Adrienne are still together. The way that Adrienne brought out the Rob that was hiding underneath the surface really made me realize that I have so much love to give, I just have to find someone to let me in so that I can give it. Adrienne also said something about how at first, she didn't think that Rob was for her, but after she got to know him, he became the most attractive guy in the world to her. That really stuck a chord with me because I always thought I was weird because the real physical attraction comes after the mental attraction for me.

I know that boys in high school are immature and dumb, but I've only found exceptions to the rule in the Midwest. That's why I want to go back there so badly. It's important for me to have a mature partner because I'm an old soul and wisdom goes a long way for me. Its hard to accept that it will be a long time until I find someone who is a good pairing with my personality since the boys my age will need time to mature. 

What I Really Want


This may look shallow but I really need to write down what I need in a relationship. This is by no means a hard and fast checklist for potential boyfriends. I recognize that nobody will have every item on this list and I may be swept off of my feet by someone completely opposite of what I was looking for, and that is okay. For now, I want to keep my thoughts organized on the subject and this is how I want to do it.

  • Mature
  • Have more common sense than I do
  • Takes control and wears the pants (or at least tries to!)
  • Playful
  • Laughter isn't forced
  • Cuddly
  • Listens to me and cares about what I have to say
  • Respectful



Effort

Written by Harperpotomus
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So lately everything in my life has been pretty meh. I feel like I'm letting things fall through the cracks because I don't have the energy to put into every facet of my life. I have a hard time with all of the different directions I feel like I'm being pulled in. On one hand, I have prom coming up in a month and I really need to be on my healthiest behavior for my dress. On the other, I have all of the pressures of high school and doing my best in classes. I've blogged about "not doing things that are bad for me", but I really haven't followed that as well as I wish I had.

 From now on, I am going to really put my effort into my health. When I grow up, my high school grades aren't going to be what counts. I need to make my health my priority because that is what is going to follow me throughout my life. I really feel like making my habits healthy ones is super important, especially being as young as I am. I'm at the best time of my life to become the healthiest I will ever be and create the lifestyle that will keep me healthy throughout my life.

 Hold me accountable people! Feel free to ask me about my progress and call me out on my failure if I don't follow through.

 Adios amigos!