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I Just Can't Even

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I literally don't even know right now. I am so immensely different from what I used to be a year ago. Like if I were to tell Junior year Harper what I'm like now, I would've thought I was crazy. I let go of my dreams of an ivy league school and have settled on a Midwest state school; something I absolutely swore up and down that I would never do. I feel so disconnected from the high school experience right now it's unbelievable. I look at the freshmen this year and can't even fathom that I used to be them such a short time ago. When I read my old posts about my goals and becoming healthy I feel like a pile of lard because I achieved none of them. Why do I fail so often?


But then I think about my success. I feel so proud that I am a different person, even though many people judge me for it. I'm happier than I have ever been and I'm content with my life choices. Sometimes you just feel like you're growing so much as a person in such a short amount of time that it's hard to keep up with it. No matter what, it'll turn out how it is supposed to.



Perfect Date

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So recently one of my best friends has asked me what my perfect date would be. While I've been meaning to blog about things like this for a while, she finally gave be the shove to do it (thanks bb)

Dear future boyfriend,

You should really know what the 17 year old me would want from you. I would want you to take me on an all day date. We would start at 9 am because I'm more or less a morning person (except in the summer when I get on the schedule of a vampire) and I wouldn't want to waste a minute of this day. First things first, we would cook breakfast for ourselves. Deep down I want to be a homemaker of a woman and playing house is basically my dream date, but we'll keep it to a minimum for your sake. While my cooking abilities are limited, hopefully you can keep me from burning the house down. After we make pancakes, we would fry up some bacon (really you would because I'm afraid of grease popping up at me) and then serve breakfast to my parents as well as ourselves. After breakfast we would perhaps watch a bit of the morning news because there's no way I wouldn't eat far too much food. Next, we would pack a picnic to take on our little adventure of a day. I would want you to take me out on the lake on this day. Hopefully I've found myself an outdoors-man but that's not likely since I'm more of an inside kind of gal. If you don't have a boat, going to the beach will do just fine. I don't find fishing to be that enthralling so it would be fine if you left that part out. On the beach, I would want to play. Like joking around, laughing, pushing each other into the water, etc. If you're my boyfriend, you know what I mean by playing. You would bring speakers and we'd play our collaborative playlist for the season. After we picnic, I think we would go for a walk because that's a nice reason to hold hands and enjoy each others' presence. Then we would pack up and get in your car to go for a nice long ride. I like to go out in the backwoods and smell the fresh air and feel the way Wisconsin feels. I don't care how old I am or how long I've been living in Wisconsin at that time, it will never get old to me. At the end of the drive, I want you to drop me off at home for approximately 2 hours. After being awake and excited all day, lord knows I need a nap. When you pick me up again, I'd be wearing a dress and you'd look nice too. Don't forget to tell me I'm beautiful because I've never been called beautiful by a guy before .We would go to a nice supper club for dinner and split a big steak with me because I don't like the potato that comes with it but I love beef. After dinner, I would want you to bring me back out away from the city (but still in a safe area because being out in the dark without cell phone service scares me). If you have a truck, bring blankets and a TON of pillows so we could cuddle under the stars. If you don't have a truck, bring more blankets and more pillows so we could lay on the beach by the lake again and just chill for a while. Cuddle me like you've never cuddled anyone before. I would want to feel so close to you. I would want to feel the way you breathe, the way your hands fit around mine, the patterns on your palms, everything. Talk to me about everything. Tell me you love me that night.

Love,

Your future girlfriend



June Goals

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So I've been quite slacking on the whole health thing. A lot of my thoughts about health lately are centered around the fact that if I'm not healthy now, will I ever be? The elderly people in nursing homes that are still walking are always the ones who kept moving throughout their lives. I want to establish habits before I go off to college in 2015. I'm going to start with the month of June. While I will be home in Wisconsin, I will have extra time and no stress which makes it the perfect time to start. Here's my list of June goals:

  • Work out every single day
    • Could be a 1 hour walk, 45 minutes of workout videos, a 30+ minute run
    • Do couch to 5K
  • Eat healthily as often as possible
    • This is super hard to do when I'm home because there's so many restaurants I love to have when I'm home
    • If I eat a bad meal, I have to burn the entire meal calorie content by the end of the week on top of my usual workout routine
  • Don't lose too much sleep!!!
    • This one is super important for me because when I'm tired, I'm cranky. If I'm home, 10 pm is my bedtime and I'll get up at 6 to send off Granny and Grapa
  • Enjoy myself
    • I need balance in my life. My time at home is my favorite time of the whole year an and I need to make use of it
  • Remember my time at home
    • I hope to blog a ton more. I love reading my old writing after events and remembering all of the little details
If you know me, hold me to these! 



The "S" Word

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Skinny


People always say that they want to get "skinny" for the summer and bikini season. Being "skinny" seems to be the magical key to happiness nowadays and its really getting on my nerves. For one thing, skinniness does not equal healthiness and happiness. Not everyone is built to be a twig. I know that I will never be a size 0 simply because for my body it's not physically possible. Here in California I have felt the most pressure I've ever felt to be skinny because there's such a focus on superficial beauty. I went prom dress shopping at a formal boutique and there were at least 4 racks of size 0 and only 1 rack of my size dresses which are size 8. The girls in there were judging each other like I've never seen before and I couldn't believe how intense the atmosphere was. 

I personally do not value another person's weight and I choose not to put much value in my own weight. Being "skinny" has never been something that I have strived for but recently it seems like, in order to be pretty and be deemed acceptable by guys, I have to shed pound after pound until I'm that perfect "S" word.

No more.


I was at my physical therapist's office the other day and as she was working my spine back into its normal position, we were discussing how women always want to be thinner, and how that thinner = prettier. She brought to my attention, that boys really don't look for a girl who is a twig. When girls choose to become "skinnier", all they are really doing that for is other girls. I'm choosing to apply that concept in my life.

So unless I'm becoming healthier for myself, I will not try to become skinny. Being 5' 3" and 110 pounds won't do anything for me but make me miserable trying to get to that weight. Instead, I will make better choices for myself and be the weight that I am happiest and healthiest at. 



Love Yourself First

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We all know the saying "You must love yourself before you can love another" or some version of the same meaning. The trouble comes when you think you love yourself just fine but yet you still don't feel like you can be in love with another person. I don't know what I can do to put myself in the right position to be able to love someone. I was talking to my friend Olivia (lingeringfingertips.blogspot.com) and we said that we should spend time this summer learning to love ourselves which I am excited for. I guess I just don't know where I should focus on this subject. I feel pretty comfortable with myself and I don't know what kinds of steps I'm supposed to take to love myself even more. Maybe I have my motive wrong. I shouldn't want to love myself more because I want to be able to love someone else, I should do it for myself. But isn't it doing it for myself if I want to make myself ready to give love? 

 Feel free to tell me what you think on the subject. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this. 



Looking for Love?

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17 and a Hopeless Romantic


I've always been the sort of girl who's always looking for a relationship but nothing has ever fallen into place for me. I've gotten close but circumstances like moving have been in the way. I always tell myself that it'll happen when it's meant to be, but its hard not to become impatient. Sometimes I come to weird revelations as to why I'm single or why right now isn't the time for me to be in love. I often tell my friends that I'm afraid to fall in love, which is true to some extent. I know that as a person, I'm not in a place where I'm content enough with myself and my situation to fall in love.

Weird Californian Ways


I have a hard time with the way that people in California go about dating. I'm a true Midwestern girl where boys and girls text each other, even if they're not romantically involved. Boys and girls are friends and hang out with each other without it being awkward. People like to become really good friends before they date. In California, all of those statements are basically reversed. Boys and girls do not text unless they're dating really. The only friend group in my school that hangs out coed is the popular crowd, and my "middle class" friend group only has the boyfriends of girls in it. The thing that I find to be the worst is that people don't become friends before they date. One of my friends here barely knew the guy before they started officially dating and their first few months were basically spent in the awkward stage of forcing the relationship. 

Deep down, I know that I'm not meant for Californian boys, and that just makes me feel like I'm even further away from finding love. Its frustrating to be put in a situation where you know there's no hope for finding what you're wishing for. 

Why love? Why now?


I know that I'm blessed to have so much love from within my family. I'm so close with my parents and grandparents that in theory I shouldn't have any void to fill by finding this romantic love. For some reason, I feel like love is a part of me that's not completely full.

I know I have the capacity to love someone with my whole heart. I was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians (what a surprise lol) and it was season 2 where Rob and Adrienne are still together. The way that Adrienne brought out the Rob that was hiding underneath the surface really made me realize that I have so much love to give, I just have to find someone to let me in so that I can give it. Adrienne also said something about how at first, she didn't think that Rob was for her, but after she got to know him, he became the most attractive guy in the world to her. That really stuck a chord with me because I always thought I was weird because the real physical attraction comes after the mental attraction for me.

I know that boys in high school are immature and dumb, but I've only found exceptions to the rule in the Midwest. That's why I want to go back there so badly. It's important for me to have a mature partner because I'm an old soul and wisdom goes a long way for me. Its hard to accept that it will be a long time until I find someone who is a good pairing with my personality since the boys my age will need time to mature. 

What I Really Want


This may look shallow but I really need to write down what I need in a relationship. This is by no means a hard and fast checklist for potential boyfriends. I recognize that nobody will have every item on this list and I may be swept off of my feet by someone completely opposite of what I was looking for, and that is okay. For now, I want to keep my thoughts organized on the subject and this is how I want to do it.

  • Mature
  • Have more common sense than I do
  • Takes control and wears the pants (or at least tries to!)
  • Playful
  • Laughter isn't forced
  • Cuddly
  • Listens to me and cares about what I have to say
  • Respectful



Effort

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So lately everything in my life has been pretty meh. I feel like I'm letting things fall through the cracks because I don't have the energy to put into every facet of my life. I have a hard time with all of the different directions I feel like I'm being pulled in. On one hand, I have prom coming up in a month and I really need to be on my healthiest behavior for my dress. On the other, I have all of the pressures of high school and doing my best in classes. I've blogged about "not doing things that are bad for me", but I really haven't followed that as well as I wish I had.

 From now on, I am going to really put my effort into my health. When I grow up, my high school grades aren't going to be what counts. I need to make my health my priority because that is what is going to follow me throughout my life. I really feel like making my habits healthy ones is super important, especially being as young as I am. I'm at the best time of my life to become the healthiest I will ever be and create the lifestyle that will keep me healthy throughout my life.

 Hold me accountable people! Feel free to ask me about my progress and call me out on my failure if I don't follow through.

 Adios amigos!



Keeping Up with the Kardashians

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Over spring break, I've become rather obsessed with the reality TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I've done two seasons in one day and I can't stop! I don't really know what their appeal is, especially since they have a lot of bickering as a part of their daily communication. One thing that I really like is seeing the sisters goof off by shoving each other and joking around because it reminds me of how my mom and I are together. My goal is to finish all of the episodes of the show on Netflix by the end of spring break. 

 Wish me luck!



UC Santa Cruz

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So I toured University of California Santa Cruz which is about 45 minutes away from where I live now. I'd heard stuff about UCSC and people didn't like it all that much compared to the other UC's. I hate California and before I went to UCSC I couldn't imagine staying in CA for any longer than I absolutely had to. I seriously fell in love with the campus. It's so full of trees and hilly and beautiful. ITS JUST LIKE CAMP!!! I never in a million years thought I'd like anything about CA but I can't get enough of UCSC. Unfortunately UCSC doesn't have a single major or academic path for me to take there, but I just cannot believe how much I loved it.



Changing Habits

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We all have our crappy habits. I used to bite my nails, procrastinate, etc. Lately I've been feeling like I'm changing as a person in a way that I really like. For example, I really feel like I've been able to let go of my school related anxieties. AP Biology is by far my most difficult class and some days it feels impossible to get the grade I want. This semester is increasingly more difficult in terms of the content of the class and it has made me realize that I might not get an A this semester. I had this same fear last semester, but this time around it really feels like I cannot achieve the A while still keeping my sanity. I've come to the conclusion that this year, I will get my first B on my report card. If you knew me last year, you'd be absolutely shocked by my new-found approach to my schoolwork. I've decided to look at my entire situation and reevaluate my priorities. My happiness is my new priority. While school still is highly important to me, it should not rule my life in a way that gives me anxiety every single night about whether or not I will be good enough or smart enough for the life I want to live. I want to remember high school as a happy time in my life. And this is where I will start

 As of tomorrow, I don't want to do anything bad to my body. I won't be eating my nightly nutella (yes, I have a spoonful every other night), I'll go for a walk every day, I won't stay up so late. My excuse as to why I do such horrible things for my health is always the same, "I'm a teenager so I can be stupid and it'll be okay." But in all honesty, it won't be okay. Your teenage years are the most important in forming your lifelong habits. I don't want to be sedentary, I want to be an active and happy person. These are the times that I need to be vigilant in my actions. While I won't go so far as to hinder my life as a young adult, I will make conscious choices that will better my mind and my body.

 This is kind of like a New Year's Resolution, but in April. I'm cool with it. When a change must be made, there is no time to waste.

 Ta-ta for now!



Living Somewhere New

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As a girl who has traveled the world, I can tell you where I’m meant to be. I don’t need to travel any more to find out where I know I belong. But lately I’ve been considering new places. Tumblr is full of these pictures of gorgeous places and ideas about traveling. It never appealed to me to take a gap year and “find out who I really am” via globetrotting. I think it might be the Army BRAT in me but I want to live places. I want to try living on the Carolina coastline. Or maybe Alabama might be a cool place to be for a few years. I know for college I want to go back to the midwest because that is where home and my heart is. But who knows. As of this week, I’ve been fantasizing about working at a nursing home in North Carolina and living in a small house near the beach. I picture the kind of life where you wear your monogram jewelry and pearls no matter what the occasion. One where you take a book and a lawn chair to the beach and stay as long as you like. I just went to Santa Cruz last weekend and I saw how happy everyone was even though it was winter. The ocean just gets to you and I want it to get to me.



Goals

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Haaallooooo,

So I started this blog with a goal in mind. My goal is to take everything that is going on in my head and to be able to put it down on paper. This is no easy task. Like every normal teenager, my mind is a giant pile of thoughts and feelings that I feel need to be sorted out. Through this process, I hope to become a better writer, thinker, and person overall.

For anyone who doesn’t know me and has decided to grace my blog with their presence, thank you! Somehow I want to show you who I am, what I value, and how I grow. To begin, I think we should get to know each other just a tad bit more. I’m 17, I live in California but I am from Wisconsin. I think I’m a true midwest girl with a streak of west coast in my personality. There’s days when I hate California and moments when I love it. Don’t think this is some magical place where everything is great, that is not the case. California has presented me with innumerable challenges and has changed who I am in a way that I’m not a fan of. I’m working on fighting back though. You may see me post about how horrible this place has been to me, but you may also see glimpses of hope in my writing when I can see that California isn’t so bad. I want to turn the story around and make this place great for me, but it will take some time. I will get there though :)
I also think a lot of thinking goes on in my mind (what a surprise!) I daydream all the time and sometimes I find peace in my thoughts. There’s often times when I make a realization about what I want versus what I need and it makes me feel wonderful. But when I don’t write down what comes to me, how will I apply it in my life? That’s another thing that this blog is for. I want to track my thoughts and find out who I am through them.

That’s all for now, but I will leave you with this gorgeous picture of how I spent my weekend. 



Goodbyeeee!



Licensed!!

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I PASSED MY DRIVERS TEST!!


That was actually a couple of days ago but still I CAN OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE. I've had my learners permit for more than a year and my parents finally let me take my test. I only got 3 points off and the max is 15 to pass so I feel like I did swimmingly. It's been a fun few days of driving myself around without having to make my parents come everywhere with me. I have a cute little pink lanyard that says "princess" and I get to take the car on days when I have appointments or swim meets. It feels like I'm finally a real teenager but it's scary because it means I'm growing up.



Sadie Hawkins Dance

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Yeah so like no. I asked this guy to the Sadie's dance at school. Its one of those big grind fests. I asked him using Krispie Kreme donuts with a sign on the outside that said “I donut know if you want to go with me to Sadies” and the inside said “but it’d be really sweet if you did”.


I asked him on Tuesday and he said “I’d love to” which was pretty adorable. So then I texted him on Thursday about the twinning theme and the conversation was pretty blah. Like not awkward but nothing interesting, special, flirty, nothing. So then comes the dance and I got there before him. I was hot. Like I was the sexiest I’ve ever been. My shirt was pretty open, I had short shorts on, my hair was straight, my makeup was pristine. 

 So I see him and it was like awkward when we stood there next to each other kind of talking. He asked about the swim meet I had today and I told him that the boys teams won but the girls lost. I asked him about his baseball game and he said they won finally. Then I kinda talked to Sadie while he kinda talked to his friends. Then the DJ got the music started, like the actual grinding music, and it took him a minute or two but he finally asked if I wanted to dance. I said yes of course. So we grinded. At first I think we were pretty off rhythm a lot. I’d find myself staring off and thinking about something else and I’d forget about moving with him. We kind of settled in and got like deeper into the grinding stance. It was good. He kept his hands on my hips. I like circular motions but I don’t think he was a fan of it. He liked the side to side better. A couple of times I grabbed his hands, just because I felt like it, but he didn’t really respond to it. We’d relocate ourselves every once in a while when people got too close. Sometimes I’d lean back into him because I liked feeling his chest against my back but I think he thought he should move back if I do that. 

 When we went to get water the first two times, we said barely anything to each other. It was so awkward. The silence does not suit us like I thought it would. The third time, I asked him “So whats new?” “Nothing much” awkward silence “hah this is so awkward” and he responded “haha yeah I know” and then I said “just talk to me!” in a nice/cute way and he said “Idk what to talk to you about. There’s nothing new. Just the same old stuff.” At that point it was like wow this is a lost cause, so we went back in and danced again. We were sweaty messes. It was a ridiculously tropical environment in the small gym like it was SO hot and humid. I started with straight hair and ended up with curls by the end. 

 A lot of his friends would walk by and be like high fiving him so I think they were impressed that he got a date to the dance. I liked that people were supportive of us but I don’t think us is a thing based on how he was tonight. At one point they started playing Summertime Sadness and it started out slow so we (and everyone else) thought it was going to be a slow song so we got in position for that (he was nasty sweaty and so was I) and I had my hands on his shoulders but like wrapped around them from the side, kind of like a hug and he had his hands on my waist. Then the song turned into a grinding song and he kind of smiled and said “well that's not what I thought it would be” and we went back to grinding. When we were grinding it was fine, comfortable, pleasant. But when we weren’t dancing it was like instantly awkward. When the DJ played the last song and said it was time to go home, he just kind of let go of me and I turned and hugged him and said thank you which was (just guess) awkward.

 I really made an effort. Like 70% of the total effort. I think he just does not know how to talk/act/be around girls. Like if he was open to fixing or working on it then I’d totally be into him. But from how he was tonight, he either doesn’t like me or doesn’t know how to be around girls. Ugh. That could've gone better. He's the cutest boy ever.